I suppose I could call it this.

There is a beginning, today I started cleaning out everything that I’ve collected over the past 9 months, including notes from America, journals, notebooks, maps, currencies, books, and lots of ministry materials.

It was really fun to look back on all the notes that were sent my way by some of you, it made me really thankful to see how a lot of you have done your best to encourage me from a distance. Most of those notes came during one of my hardest times, in October and November. Looking back on that, I just see God paving the way for me to understand His grace, His mercy, and how He wanted me to experience what losing community was like so I could appreciate it all the more when I gained it.

I find that I have so much that I want to write about and yet nothing at all. Most of this hinges on the fact that God is tuning my ear close to his heartbeat, and wanting me to experience the rhythms and patterns of grace. It’s just that, I don’t want to, I want to know now, but I’ll wait.

If you think of it you can pray for me to experience the love of Jesus today. In so many ways the past few weeks have made me see how burnt out I have become over the course of the semester, so I cut back, and will continue to do so. My walk with God is way more important than my “output” of ministry.

I want to update you in the next few posts on my trip to Venice, the upcoming trip to Serbia and how you can pray, what I think returning to America might look like, and my next steps (especially as I find out more).

Thank you for your prayers.

And there is an end, at least to this chapter, 27 days from now I fly out of this country I’ve grown to love.

Today is mothers day and yet I spend it thousands of miles away from her. As I’ve grown into an adult I’ve come to love and appreciate mom more than I could ever really express. She supports me through life, the ups and downs of the staff experience, I have the assurance that she is always a phone call away to help with anything from cooking to a deep question about life and my future. She loves me and tells me often. She calls me every Saturday (well most Saturdays, unless she is out shopping or with Aunt Carolyn). She’ll do anything for me or Kirby, loves to take us shopping and she is the most wonderful cook in the world (aside from Dad, they are the top 2 best cooks that I know). I’m thankful for you mom, and if you figure out how to read this blog (just kidding) I hope you’ll know that I wrote it with a heart full of love. I can’t wait to be there with you, to hug your neck (and even to scratch your back if you want). I miss you! You are the best mom to me and Kirbs. I love you momma.

Here is a video that I just put together after seeing all of my Barcelona videos just lying around without connection on my mac. I tried to feature different aspects of the trip, but I gave you the highlights. So, here ya go, the recap vid almost 2 months later…

[rss feeds, barc recap vid embedded]

Barcelona recap from Kelly on Vimeo.

The following verses have a completely new meaning to me, especially in the first sentence or two - if I knew every language without learning them, given the toil and sacrifice of hours my team is making to learn Slovak, and the difficulty of understanding cases and adjective endings and future tense and past tense and koho/?o, and all of the vocabulary. But what if I automatically knew all of these things without having to learn it, it would mean absolutely nothing without love.

If I had the gift of being able to speak in other languages without learning them and could speak in every language there is in all of heaven and earth, but didn’t love others, I would only be making noise. If I had the gift of prophecy and knew all about what is going to happen in the future, knew everything about everything but didn’t love others, what good would it do? Even if I had the gift of faith so that I couls speak to a mountain and make it move, I would still be worth nothing at all without love. If I gave everything I have to poor people, and if I were burned alive for preaching the Gospel but didn’t love others, it would be of no value whatsoever.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

I made it through my first ever Christmas abroad. For the most part, I’ve really started to feel like this is home. I have pictures on the walls of my friends, decor that I put there myself. I’ve made a few trips to Ikea for me to start really feeling like this is home. But the reality is, this isn’t home, neither is Cary, NC. Home is somewhere else altogether, and I long for the day when I go There.

There are times here when I forget that I don’t speak the language of 99% of people that surround me in buses, on trams, walking down the street. When I go to the grocery store and there is an international section, which strangely, all of a sudden includes me. I am an international here.

Christmas was good. The American part of our team cooked up a big feast last night, and today we had real American pancakes for breakfast with syrup! (you can’t buy syrup here in a normal size bottle for less than $20). We also watched the christmas service from my church in it’s entirety, because it’s online! Then we watched Elf and Hairspray. Tonight we had dinner and watched It’s a Wonderful Life at the Theissens, a family here that serves with International Messengers. They have the coolest ministry. Tonight, there was a mother and a daughter that joined us from Afghanistan. How cool is that?

I talked to my mom a couple of times between yesterday and today and I haven’t talked with anyone else yet because we have only one magical american phone and someone is using it right now. But, I did receive several voicemails and I’m really thankful for them. I feel so loved. So thank you Renn&Roger, Su-Anne, Lauren, and Kirby I do appreciate them.

My mom shipped over a package full of gifts and it is here in Kosice, even if not yet in my possesion (although curiously enough, the package slip went to the guys place instead of to mine). I went yesterday morning early to try to pick it up, but the place was closed, and tomorrow Slovakia celebrates a 2nd Christmas day, so it will be closed again then.

I’ll get it eventually. In the words of my mom, “presents are presents any day I suppose.” And really, it helps to not get so many gifts on Christmas. It helped me to focus on the point of Christmas. Which is Jesus. The fact that Jesus came into the the world, all so that He could save us from sin. I love what Isaiah has to say about the coming of the Messiah.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6

I have some videos and pictures from the Christmas festivities that I’ll add later. For now I think it’s time to sleep. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

look at all that food! this is from Christmas Eve in my flat.

I haven’t given you a real blogging update in awhile. I think that is because I’ve realized the value of making videos, you watch them, you like them. Give the people what they want! There is still a part of me that cries out to write! So here we go.

We have about 2 more weeks of ministry left. This is sad to me because things are really starting to pick up. Tomorrow night two girls are coming over to watch a movie and on Thursday afternoon after high school lets out we’re having girls over to watch Step Up which was really big here when it came out. Apparently these girls love hip hop, so watch out, I might be choregraphing some dances for them to learn, it may take me back to my college days. Hog callin’ and Stunt. Oh boy.

I challenged a girl here to discipleship in Presov. I think this will be really a great relationship to build with her, and I’m praying that God will use her on her campus to reach those around her for Christ. Yesterday was a really encouraging day because while in Presov, Matt and Aaron were together doing solarium and Carlyn and Shannon were going into the dorm to see if they could meet with a girl. Since I was by myself during this time, I decided to see if I could meet some girls on my own. I walked up to these two girls, and just asked them if they spoke english, after about 2 minutes, they said to me “don’t you want a chair?” and so I pulled up a chair and proceeded to talk with them for the next 30 minutes.

A lot of cool stuff is happening. Just this morning we were talking as a team about what we’re learning about God’s character and without a doubt I’m learning a ton about His faithfulness. I think this is helpful to know that even though I’ll go through times of difficulty, it’s all for a reason, to learn why I’ve been through that is more for character development than it is for anything else. This reminds me of Philippians 1:6, that being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I find myself being very thankful right now for where I am, for what God has taught me, what He is teaching me, and trusting that He will lead me to the next thing that He has for me.

I will probably need to blog soon about all of the things that have happened to me, less I forget, and I really don’t want to do that. But, wow, it’s really crazy and fun. I’m only reminded of how different my life is here when I talk to my American readers. Let’s just say it’s become a running joke with my team that I’m not sure when I’ll get to go to Hungary again, since for awhile I was going once a week. I know in a few years I’ll look back on this post and laugh, or maybe be amazed. Either way, life here is different but it somehow becomes really normal. Already I’ve gotten quite used to the colder weather. It’s -4 celcius and it feels normal to me.

Before I close out this post, just know that I am thankful for each of you who read this blog, watch my videos, and comment on them. It makes me feel so loved! It also makes me realize the power of media and the likelihood that many people would rather watch a video than read a blog. If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably not the person I’m talking about.

For now, here are a few pictures of thanksgiving in praha.

my team at buffalo bills for thanksgiving dinner. (left to right) Aaron, Matt, Shannon, Carlyn, and me.

Me, Yasmin, and Katie eating my 2nd thanksgiving dinner in Prague at my hostel with friends I’d never met.
Who can even believe it’s November 28th? More on how time flies next time.

Ever since I’ve arrived in Slovakia, it’s been quite difficult to shake the reality of distinct racism. There is a culture here called ‘roma’ or gypsy. You know the phrase, “I got gyped” well, it’s a racial slur relating to this people group I’m about to attempt to explain to you. Really my source is wikipedia, I can’t lie. I found out from said source that this people group migrated from India and there are somewhere from 12 to 15 million of them, but no one can be absolutely sure because they about their race because of the racism that exists. This culture is spread out from India all the way to Western Europe. They are easily recognizable; they have dark features and usually look pretty ragged. You can find them going through trash cans to find something to eat (trash from my apartment even), begging on the street, or even huffing window cleaner (as seen on one of our first days here).

I’m not sure I have any clue how to take all of this in. These people are beautiful, made in the image of God- and live like rats, well almost.

They live in ghettos in different spots around town. I’ve heard stories of these buildings that were built for gypsys to live in and they have moved in and trashed the place. Selling anything that would make them a krown. These villages look like war zones in a third world country. I’m not exaggerating.

As I write this I’m nearly in tears, but this isn’t rare. I often tear up when I think about this gypsy culture. I’m reminded of Jesus’ words, ” whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.” I think I get it.

The least of these.

I went to Budapest by train and a woman was begging at the ticket station. Her hand was curled up in the begging position, a wound on her forehead with dried blood, and an old coat around her shoulders. No doubt, I didn’t speak her language (try any of the options Hungarian, Roma, or Slovak) but this is not an excuse. She was waiting for left over change from ticket buyers. I don’t know how many forint (this is the Hungarian currency) I had on me at the time but surely I could have spared a few or bought her lunch. As I walked by her she grabbed my arm and I turned my head away. I still can’t believe I did that. I just don’t know what I should do in those situations, but I know what I did was not right, at all. I’m ashamed to write this, but hope that you might identify.

I’ve heard people say that if you give homeless people money they will buy alcohol. Or if you try to give them food they won’t take it. I’m not sure these excuses are good enough for me anymore. As I was on my way to Budapest on this very same trip I was reading Irresistable Revolution (again) a book by Shane Claiborne, whose battle cry is the church learning to love the homeless. The church is not living, is not loving, as the church should. He is right. We are so out of touch with a hungry, hurting, dying world.

Even as I write this the Dalit Hymn popped on my ipod. “Free the Dalit, free the Dalit, Prime Minister Free the Dalit” How appropriate. Do you know of the Dalit?

The couple that runs our language school, Brad and Karla Theissen, are here with an organization called International Messengers. They have a ministry with the roma people. They teach them vocational things like how to sew and also practical things like how to read. Fascinating. They’ll go into these villages and show the Jesus film (which is the only film in the Roma language) and hundreds of them will come to Christ, but the next day its back to the same lifestyle. They’ve never seen the Christian life lived out. Why? Because no one is in there living it with them, showing them how to live. Would you know how to live the Christian life if you’d never seen anyone do it? Would you be encouraged in your faith if there were no other Christians around you, no resources, no podcasts, no worship in your language, no pastors, nothing. This is reality.

In Claiborne’s book, he mentions a story about a wealthy church in town who mailed a box to help, even with good intentions, to Claiborne and his friends efforts to conquer a challenge to keep the homeless from being kicked out of an abandoned cathedral. He was excited the package had arrived and found only its contents to be microwave popcorn. This church really thought the tent city had microwaves or even electricity. We’re fooling ourselves. We don’t really know what God has called us to. How He’s called us to live. Wake up heart. Wake up church. There is a hurting, dying, shivering, wounded world next door.

Feeding the homeless one Saturday a month is a good step. But that’s not it. God calls us to more. To sacrifice. I need to figure out what He’s doing in my heart and follow Him. I long to follow Him. To live with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all.

stop sending microwave popcorn.

This weekend was good. I found myself sleeping a lot, which really needed to happen given the past 2 weeks on campus, with a trip to Budapest in between. In the midst of all of this rest - my soul wasn’t resting. I don’t think I’ve ever made a clear distinction before of physical rest and spiritual rest. My head has been tormented with all of these thoughts like, “you’ll always be lonely here, you’ll never make it 9 more months, you shouldn’t have come, you don’t belong, your team will never bond, your ministry is useless here, you’ll never learn the language, your friends at home will forget about you, you will constantly be like this through out the year…” Typing it out makes me realize how utterly ridiculous it is that I’ve been believing this stuff. I think that’s what the enemy seeks to do, is to render me useless for ministry so that this year goes to waste. I don’t want that to happen and I’m calling him out on it.

God always times things just right. Last week, I struggled to find time with God in His word, in fact I sometimes avoided it. I didn’t want to run to it even though I knew that was the thing I needed the most. I’ve been reading through a book that is walking me through the beatitudes and helping me discover for myself what it means.  Today there was a focus on meekness (as it has been for the past week or so). The verse was on rest, the verse everyone knows in Matthew 11:28-30. For the first time today, I think I understand what it means to find rest in God. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” A yoke is something that they would put on animals to carry a load into town or wherever they might be going on their journey. I really get this verse now. I’ve been believing all of these things that just clearly are not true. I’ve been telling people to pray for me, that I would let go and I knew I was holding on to something. Now, I see what it is that I’m holding on to - fear. So today, I’ve been honest before God (and now you) that I want to take His yoke upon me, and allow Him to carry the load, in so doing I will find rest for my soul. I know this isn’t the one - catch all thing that I have to do before all of my fear will be taken away, I know I need to constantly keep this in check before Him. The book referred me to 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I want to be made perfect in love and not constantly fearing. It is my prayer that I’ll find myself perfected in love.